


Behind Blue Eyes

by qbubbles



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean Whump, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Sex, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Guilt, Guilty Dean, M/M, Praise, Sad, Sad Dean, Self-Destruction, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-03
Updated: 2016-02-03
Packaged: 2018-05-17 23:10:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5888806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/qbubbles/pseuds/qbubbles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean has a panic attack after waking up next to Cas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Behind Blue Eyes

Cas had fallen asleep next to Dean. They’d had another frantic, quiet, hidden night together in his room in the bunker. Dean hadn’t wanted to label anything. That wasn’t his type of thing to do. He enjoyed fucking Cas into oblivion, giving into the years of sexual tension that had been tearing Dean apart. He couldn’t speak for Cas, but he knew that this was different than one night stands in seedy motels with nameless women. He coveted Cas’ mouth, ass, shoulders, and thighs. It seemed as though the two were meant to meld together. Burning so bright that any stranger wouldn’t be able to see the one without the other. 

It was terrifying.

Everyone, everything that Dean loved was in constant danger. He hated himself that he was a monster beneath everything else. He was a murderer. He saved people, yes, but took pleasure in destroying things that went bump in the night. He was a functioning alcoholic with more emotional damage than he could ever process. HIs method of coping with things that are out of his hands is to smash furniture and drink some more. And then this beautiful man who trusts Dean with his whole being sees something completely different.

It wasn’t fair to lay possession on Cas. He deserved so much more than angry, drunken, guilty rage sex. Cas deserved someone who would caress his face before he kissed him. Praised him for his mouth as it drank someone down. Kissed him when they came together. Someone who isn’t afraid to say the three little words that Dean wouldn’t allow to escape his stone faced facade. Someone who would hold Cas and stroke his hair while he dozed next to you. Not someone who wakes up in a cold sweat, terrified of who is in his bed, just a few seconds away from stabbing or shooting them.

No. He doesn’t deserve Cas. Cas deserves the best the world has to offer. And he’s the worst.

**Author's Note:**

> This has been sitting in my files for a few months, now. I wrote it as my boyfriend at the time left my bed to head back to his house for the night. I was extremely emotional and not at all invested in the relationship, full of guilt that I was laying a claim to someone who was so awesome, and yet I didnt care about.
> 
> He deserves a great relationship. I just wasn't it, and I'm ok with that.
> 
> But I channeled that sadness into how Dean would feel if he let himself fall to far in love with Cas. He has some serious self esteem and guilt issues surrounding relationships and love. I can only imagine he'd have a break down at some point.


End file.
